Crazyredbeard Productions

Wait…what happened?

It is 3:32 am on a Friday morning and I’m typing on a laptop at work. For those of you who don’t know, I happen to be a therapeutic counselor at a group home in Virginia for teenage boys that have been removed from their families for one reason or another. Many of you may just know me as some guy with paint splattered all over his hands and pants, but I happen to be an artist of many hats. One of those hats is helping people deal with their suffering, something that I’ve sought out, most likely in order to deal with my own. The true art, after all, is living and what we do with this precious gift that we’ve been given….the present…every day born anew. Happy birthday.

So what happened? How do I find myself here and not painting in some bar or venue somewhere, after having left this place of employ at the end of 2008? A few things, really. 2009 was a year of exploration. It was also a year in which my ego got so big that I lost nearly everything I loved at its closing. How does this happen? Rigidity and steadfast stubborness, I think. A lack of balance and simply not living in the present. By the time Phish tour had ended, I had racked up enough debt to be reduced to wage slavery again, but I refused to seek work outside of art. Selfishly and foolishly, I kept thinking that things would turn around and that I’d get back on top of things. It’s amazing what can happen when you refuse to listen to the people that love you…when you see only what you want to see, and not what the world is actually presenting to you in the moment.

And my pride wanted to dictate the ride. I had held on to this idea of having to be a visual artist that nothing else would fit into my worldview. That, combined with my own inability to go with the flow, caused rifts in everything. My mental, physical and spiritual health…and I lost a special relationship as well. It hurt (and it still DOES hurt) to know that I caused all of that to happen because I wanted what I wanted, rather than the receiving the gifts that were in front of me all along…the opportunity to change, grow, love and learn. But if nothing else, just as in art, it’s a process.

By January, I had lost every bit of money I had through attempting to numb myself out from reality, lost any semblence of being able to continue painting on a regular basis and lost a relationship with a person I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. I had become so self-absorbed and wrapped up in trying to live life my way, instead of heeding the signs, I fell off of the Path. Again…it’s a process and sometimes the lessons learned are hard wrought ones. Do I have regrets? No. I can’t say that I do because I chose to learn from it all, rather than running from the experience. Do I feel a great, weighty sadness about my losses…absolutely. But, in a way, I also feel a great sense of relief. I was trying to be something that I’m not. I’m not a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week painter. It’s something that I love to do…a gift I love to share with people, but it’s not everything I was put on this earth to do.  I think, if we really surrender to the experience that we’re given, true growth can occur, and that’s what I did. I surrendered. I took a good long look at the person I was becoming and I decided that I needed to change.  And I have to give thanks on a very basic level for the opportunity. I was losing my life…becoming something I didn’t even recognize. Becoming completely detached from the universe which is not what I set out to do.

So what now? Where do we go from here? Things fall apart, the center cannot hold. So true, yes? My ultimate epiphany came as I looked around the ruins of what I’d attempted to build. God wants it all. Hafiz, a Sufi poet who wrote ecstatic poems once relayed a story about how he had a student who was practicing non-attachment. The student came to Hafiz one day and say, “Hafiz! Hafiz!! I’ve done it! I’ve given away all of my possessions and live in a mere hut on the beach. I have nothing!!”

Hafiz listened with bemusement and nodded at his student. The next day, the student left his hut to go and gather food. Hafiz lay in waiting and, upon seeing the student leave his simple domicile, approached the now empty hut. And burned it to the ground. The student came back in tears screaming, “WHY HAFIZ, WHY?!?!? Why would you do this! Why would you do this to me?!? I have nothing!! NOTHING!”

And Hafiz smiled gently at him and said, “And so now you have it all. You have everything. God wants it all.”

In the end, I think it’s less about what I want, personally, and more about what IS. I can say that I’m blessed and grateful for the people and places of my life. That I never get any more than what I need in the moment. Perhaps sometimes, it’s important to seek out the darkest parts of oneself to remember why it’s so important to remain in the light. And perhaps it’s up to each of us to accept ourselves in such a radically loving manner, that we have no choice but to connect to everyone in the universe…to be non-judgmental, compassionate…to be love.

I’m rambling, but it’s where I am right now. Perfectly imperfect. Amazingly flawed with such an empowering ability to learn and grow. And so I set about trying to turn my garbage into compost, as Thich Nhat Hanh would say…so that I might grow roses in the garden of me. Can any one person speak to what is “good” or “bad?” Or are events just transient and neutral, becoming tinged with personal judgment? I think it may be the latter. More and more these days, I realize that it’s all for you…every experience. That it’s all there for your benefit and it’s all coming at you head on like a freight train. The peaks and valleys all the same…neither to be lost in, neither to be fully embraced as the ultimate reality.

But I digress. Where were we? Ah yes…at the end of January with my hut smoldering around me, surrendering with my hands raised to the sky. I went back to work in the fury of the biggest winter we’ve had in over a decade. I started over and took it a day at a time, counted my blessings one by one. Prayed a lot. Started meditating with a sangha weekly and started going to the gym about 5 times a week. In about a month, I’d lost 20 pounds and packed on some muscle, having started running nearly 3 miles a day. I connected with others that were suffering through loss and used my experience as a bridge of understanding as best I could. I realized daily that the purpose, perhaps, was to gain a deeper understading of those around me again. To help them through the tube. And as the days passed, the work became effortless and it was though I’d stepped into a state of grace. I spent most of my time (and still do) throughout the day preparing food, exercising, working and talking with people I cared about. Invested some time in bettering my mental health as well. And all of a sudden, the world seemed to open up like a flower warmed by the rays of the sun…or maybe it was me that opened…and everything started falling into place very naturally.

What Up Kid? progenitor and company came through the spot and lifted me off of my feet by decorating homes with my art and lightened my financial burden. The kids at work summarily responded to my efforts in positive ways and seemed to grow immensely…they were happy when I showed up to the home and I was happy to be there sharing time and space with them. I found solace in meditation and prayer…a mixture of Eastern philosophy and practice with Western religiosity and Christ love…and I quickly got back into the best shape of my life. And for my first live painting of the year, I created a work for my friend William Walker and his fiance (now wife) Blake at their wedding reception at a winery out near Wintergreen, Virginia. Sitting at the reception, taking it all in, I felt much happiness for William and, concurrently,  the great stab of personal loss, as well, realizing how much I’d hoped for something like this. Something unified and strong. How angry and afraid I was at my ability to push it away.

But I stood up, set up a canvas, and painted a picture of love for my friends because it was all I could do in that moment. I thought, I can’t have it for myself but I can give it to someone else. At least for tonight, I offer up this gift of love to them, to everyone, to the universe. Perhaps that’s enough.

And shortly after that, I decided to start painting again…first to Raw Dawg at Fardowner’s in Crozet, a piece that was quickly picked up by Chase Rannigan of the band (thanks, brother!).

The Rawness of My Soul, painted live to Raw Dawg at Fardowner's in Crozet, Virginia on 03/12/10

 After creating this work, I’d kind of been reminded why I enjoyed doing it in the first place. Getting time to share with friends…to offer what I had to offer to people and the fact that it sold gave me some confidence to want to continue again. The feeling began anew, but this time more tempered with the joy of simplicity. So, on the heels of that, I had the opportunity to paint for Future Rock at Rapture (R2) in Charlottesville, Virginia on 03/26/10. I also offered up the live painting opportunity to a friend, Jamie Morgan, who’s work I really enjoy. She rocked her first live painting that night and I was honored to have her there painting next to me.

Painted live to Future Rock at R2 in Charlottesville, Virginia on 03/26/10; signed by the band; 24 x 36; $700

Painted live to Chronicles of the Landsquid and Emancipator on 03/27/10 at Awful Arthur's in Blacksburg, Virginia on 03/27/10

The Distance Between Lion and Woman: painted live to Space Cadet 7 at the Southern in Charlottesville, Virginia on 04/01/10; 24 x 36; $700